January 2nd - The Garage

Warning: This post deals with self-harm associated with mental illness. It is not meant to promote suicidal ideation in any way. If you, or someone you care about, is struggling, please dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

There's so much I remember about that day. I almost wish I could forget. 

This is the post that I'll rewrite and add to time again and again. It's the defining moment in my life. I'm scared to write about it and have avoided such.

Here it goes:

I woke up really looking forward to getting R out of Level 1. It would've been the day before, but we couldn't get R out because of the holiday. I remember watching Friends, the TV show, just trying to pass the time until he came home. I was so sad, especially that this happened during the holidays.

But today was gonna be a great day. We'll finally have him home. 

We cleaned and I kept singing Goodbye Horses in the background, the now infamous song of movie lore. I don't know why. 

When we picked up R, we didn't go upstairs this time. We used the clinic phone and they brought him downstairs, a paper bag holding his belongings and provided very little handoff instructions. I didn't care enough. I just wanted him home. The holidays blew without him. 

We got him in the car and started the drive home. He sat in the front seat and I was just behind him. I watched a vegan video on Insta of a puppy getting run over and his litter and Mum hovering around him. Crushing and it appeared the driver did it purposely. 

R wanted Chipotle to celebrate coming home so we got it for him and the whole family from The Landing near our house.   We arrived home and showed him his room improvements. We worked tirelessly to clean everything up and got him a stellar mattress. Excited were we to also show him our new stove/oven and lights setup in the kitchen. He loves to cook so this really thought this brought things home.

Suddenly, he wanted to call an Uber and we were confused. Where did he want to go? Jose's or somewhere else? He didn't say, but wanted to go for a quick ride before we ate. 

I remember being so tired in the back seat as we headed west towards Gates Pass and Kinney Road. I kept drifting off and couldn't wait to get home. What a surprise I had coming, huh?

The desert was beautiful, as always. We came out Starr Pass and started heading Downtown per his request.  

I remember . . . . . 

  • driving around the roundabout
  • passing El Minuto

R asked to turn down Church. OK.

  • seeing the icerink and skaters still open. Was today the last day?

He then took off his seatbelt got out. Was the car still moving? Did he say 'bye'.

He was at the foot of 'Rainbow Garage' and ran up the ramp to the steps. I got out to follow him. What was he doing? My mind went to meeting someone or something like that. What was I thinking. 

  • seeing the steps coming up at me
  • looking up to see him 2 floors above above. Man was he fast and in flip flops.

Then the realization of what's going on started to dawn on me. I put it in high gear and got to the top, fast as I could. But not fast enough. I will always feel guilty and remember this moment whenever I take the stairs. It can't be helped. 

Then I saw him.

His flip flops were off, phone put to the side and he was standing on the unsafe side of the railing and we were five floors up, 50 feet.

I ran towards him, afraid to get too close. Would I spoke or prompt him? I asked him to stop, to think about his Mom right below him. No answer so I started screaming it !! 

Damn this is so hard to write. I'm afraid of this. One pitotal moment in our lives. Did it all make sense now. I'm scared that just writing about this will cause some bad karma. 

I knew it was gonna happen and why?  He wanted the Bot to stop and he was so afraid. He wasn't in his right mind and I know he was not thinking this through.

Everthing happening so fast, but time also dragged. I still live up there, everyday sadly. 

He lost his footing and hung on with his hands. Then no more. I heard A scream and then the loud thump.

I couldn't help but look over the railing to see A over R. I grabbed his phone and sliders from the railing post and ran back down the stairs. Everytime I encounter any stairs I think of these stairs, of this day. 

I see A holding R on the ground. Was he still breathing? How bad was the damage? He's moving, thank goodness. Shock made his eyes look lifeless yet bewildered. I was both scared and releived at the same time.  What do we do? A crowd started gathering. Did someone call 911? I later found out that Robin did, but I'm sure someone else did as well. A guy told R not to move when he started getting up.  Encouraging?

Authorities arrived on scene, both police and EMTs. This old lady kept tapping me on the shoulder, asking questions. How old was he? What was his name so she could pray for him? Could I move the car because A couldn't in her condition. I remember being so angry, but I held it together. Uncertainty appears as focus behind the scenes. It's weird the things you remember in a moment like this.

R looked conscious for lack of a better term, but it was something. EMTs loaded him into the ambulance and told us they were going to the Main Hospital by the university and to go there, the trauma unit. 

Our long night began


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